HEAVEN, JULY 2003.
Uday and Qusay Go On Looting Spree Protesting Virgin Shortage
Angered upon arrival in Heaven at the apparent shortage of Virgins they believed were their due, the two dead sons of Saddam Hussein went on a looting spree last night, destroying lutes and lyres and spraying anti-Semitic graffiti on the sides of clouds. A spokesangel for Allah, who refused to be identified, denied reports that the virgin shortage was due to the recent Intifada and placed the blame squarely on the brothers own Earthly excesses.
Latest Poll Results!
In a survey of 1200 New York City Musical Comedy and Caberet performers...
2% said Saddam
13% said Sodom
11% said Eye-Racky
7% said Ear-Rocky
87% said Saddam, Sodom, Eye-Racky, Ear-Rocky, Lets call the whole thing off!
World Court reaches verdict: U.S. condemned to repeat history.
Latest operation a success: Jacko invisible.
Nixon: What did he know and when did he know it?
Reagan: What did he know and when did he forget it?
Clinton: Who did he know and when did he know her?
Dubya: What does he know?
all work © max singer 2003
EXCLUSIVE TO SCURRILOUS RAG
REVEALED! Actual CIA Documents used by Bush Administration to Bolster Case Against Saddam.
[EXCERPT] Mr. President: As per your request, here is the latest CIA Intelligence on those subjects you desired. No smoking gun Im afraid, so I really cant see that theyll be of any use to you, but youre the Boss. And Sir, dont forget, if the you-know-what hits the fan, Im always ready to take the fall. Sincerely yours, G. Tenet, Director CIA. [click here to view actual CIA documents
Tragedy struck the Annual Gnu Migration as a group of over 300 stampeding adults and children were trampled by a panic-stricken horde of over 35,000 driven insane by swarms of stinging insects. Rescue efforts have been hampered by packs of hungry hyenas opportunistically eating the victims carcasses.
Meanwhile, angry Gnus we interviewed, as they dashed, helter-skelter, across the Ulonglonga River (in a vain attempt to escape the attacking Crocodiles, waiting in the shallows for victims) accused officials of Corruption.
One Gnu, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying,Theyve known about this for 1,000s of years and yet they cant seem to...BLEAT!...BLEAT!...BLEAT!
More at Eleven.
IN SERIAL FORM [EXCERPT]
neither was the Republic restored nor the Proud Senate revitalized, but the latter, having spent itself in a Paroxysm of Piety, lapsed into a Senescent Irrelevance, sputtering on through a string of Potuses both greater and lesser... click for text
The Bush 12-Step Plan for Recovery
[EXCERPT] Job Addiction is one of the most rampant diseases in America today. For almost three years, my administration has battled Job Addiction. [click here for full text in new window]
Instant Democracy comes complete with:
Up to $10 billion in IMF credit
A new Constitution with Fill-in-the-Blank Bill of Rights
Haliburtons Nation Building Blocks Starter Set
[click here for full text in new window]
Subject: RoadMap1.0 beta version
RoadMap5.2corrects software bug which causes Right of Return to appear rather than Right Turn when Driver 2 clicks Directions to Jerusalem icon. [click here for full text in new window]