The Bush 12-Step Plan for Economic Recovery
by Max Singer

My fellow Americans.

We live in troubled times.

And troubled times require straight talk.

Economic Recovery will not be easy.

But we must remember that the first step to Recovery is acknowledging that you have a problem.

So, if you are one of those Americans who spends 3-4 hours a day staring
bleary-eyed and unblinking at an internet Job Site...
…or obsessively reading and rereading the Help Wanted ads from the last 9 weeks…
…or calling everyone you know and pleading with them to give you a job…
…it’s time for you to step up to the plate and say “My name is repeat your name and I am a job addict.”

Job Addiction is one of the most rampant diseases in America today.

For almost three years, my administration has battled Job Addiction.

We have enlisted American Business as a partner in this War on Job Addiction.

Already there has been progress.

In the last three years, an unprecedented Government/Business Partnership has succeeded in putting more than 1,000,000 job addicts on the road to recovery.

Yet over 75% of the healthy adult population of our great nation, between the ages of 18 and 65, still suffer from this Plague.

We can do better.

Therefore, as Step 1 of my 12-Step Recovery Plan, I am proposing the Zero New Job Addict initiative, a 75% reduction in corporate taxes for those businesses who do not create a single job addict in any fiscal year.

Job Addiction is destructive of family life.

Job addicts often spend 10-12 hours a day away from home feeding their habit.

Addicted parents also push jobs onto their teenage children creating a cycle of dependency that can last generations.

Often both parents are addicts, leaving their children unattended, or worse, in the care of the Public School System, draining needed taxpayer dollars.

Therefore, I am proposing a faith-based Keep Both Parents at Home initiative that will fund 1,000 Prayer Circles.

The power of prayer is powerful.

Imagine!

Hundreds of thousands of Americans praying daily for the scourge of Job Addiction to be cleansed from the American Landscape.

But, I am a compassionate Conservative and realize that prayer alone is often not enough.

Going cold turkey after years of Job addiction can be a painful and difficult experience.

One thing we know that is successful in helping addicts through withdrawal is strenuous physical activity.

Therefore, I am proposing my Get Buff With Bush initiative, a $1500 a year per person tax exemption to be used for polo lessons, personal training or towards the cost of helicopter skiing expeditions.

Government can also help job addicts by helping to defray the cost of the kind of medicine proven to ease the pain of withdrawal.

And, I believe Government can do this while at the same time lowering the onerous tax burden of many Americans.

Therefore, I am proposing to Congress my Lift Your Spirits initiative, an across the board graduated reduction in Federal excise Taxes on Wines and Spirits.
• A 10% reduction on fifths and liters costing under $10.
• A 30% reduction on fifths and liters costing from $10 to $50.
• And the complete elimination of these taxes on fifths and liters over $50.

This proposal is designed to be fair to all Americans.
• It’s fair to Little Joe Runningbear of somewhere near the Arizona-New Mexico border, who, on my plan, will be able to purchase an extra case a month of the Sir Zorro malt liquor he so desperately needs.
• And it’s fair to Arthur Smithson III of Newport, Rhode Island whose medicines, including 30-year-old Glenfiddich and Château Lafitte Rothschild ’23, are not yet available as generics.

While helping those who have fallen prey to Job Addiction, we must not fail to recognize the 1,000’s of Americans who have not.

Therefore, I am proposing my Building Strong Communities initiative, a one-time tax rebate of $100,000 to help those Americans defray the cost of membership in one of the more than 100 gated Job Addiction Prevention Centers and Golf Communities we are proposing to build, with our partners in the private sector, in selected Coastal, Suburban and Rural areas far from sources of jobs as well as the job Addicts themselves.

On a personal note, let me add, that like many members of my generation, when I was in College in the 60’s, I was tempted.

I was offered a job at a party.

And I took it.

But…
I did not work.

So, for those Americans who don’t have the same kind of gumption I have, I am announcing The George W. Bush Name Your Firstborn Son After Me initiative.

Who knows, maybe some of my luck will rub off.

My Fellow Americans, I’m not really sure if my 12-Step Plan for Economic Recovery actually has 12 steps in it.

Who knows?

Maybe it has 8, maybe 7.

I lost count.

Besides, what’s 2 or 3 one way or the other matter.

Let someone else do the math.

And so, in conclusion, I leave you with the words of Tiny Tom:

Goodnight and God Bless Y’all.