satire & other provocations | max singer, editor, writer & chief factotum
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Dear Jerry and Jesus,
I live in a small town in Montana with one church and a 7-11.
I have become convinced that my next door neighbor, a young widow, is having sex with the devil.
I believe this to be true because every night when I look out my bedroom window at her with my binoculars I can clearly see her engaged in lustful copulation with a large horned creature and shouting “Take me, Master of Darkness! Take me, Master of Darkness!”
After agonizing over this for months, and, as the widow is a member of our congregation, I finally went to see my minister and told him what I had seen.
My minister began stuttering uncontrollably and turned a deep beet red and then told me not to say anything to anyone, that he would look into the matter.
Almost 6 weeks have passed and every time I see the minister on the street he seems to avoid me.
Also, although I can still hear the screaming “Take me, Master of Darkness! Take me, Master of Darkness,” the shades appear to have been drawn.
Have I perhaps stumbled onto a Satanic Conspiracy that involves not only my neighbor, my minister but the entire community.
I am now worried for my life. I had barricaded myself into my house but now have scarcely enough food, water or ammunition to last until an exorcist can arrive. I am beginning to think that I should either take my own life rather than allow myself to fall into the hands of Satan or else destroy the entire town with the cases of dynamite I have been hoarding for such an occasion.
Please advise,
“Surrounded by Evil”

Dear “Surrounded by Evil”
Last night I spoke with Jesus about your predicament and this is what he told me:
“It is important for you to remain calm and serene in the knowledge that I am watching over you and you shall have everlasting life unless the horned demon you can see through your binoculars resembles this picture (see left) in which case you are in deep shit because you are dealing with the Archdemon Marilyn Manson.”

Marilyn Manson (born Brian Warner) discovered 16 mm porno films, pornographic magazines, even bestiality photos, sexual toys in his grandfather’s
Manson: „Hell to me was my grandfather’s cellar.” (First line in his autobiography.)
Manson: „Although I was disgusted and creeped out, my curiosity about my grandfather and his depravity still hadn’t been satisfied.”
Manson attended Christian school in Canton, Ohio for several years until two months into his Sophomore year when he quit to attend a public school after becoming rebellious toward Christianity telling his parents, "Everything I like, they’re against.”
While attending Christian school, Manson was given numerous opportunities to accept Christ during school assemblies, but never did.
Manson: “When (the assembly speakers) were done, everyone would bow their heads in prayer. If anyone wasn’t born again, the failed pastor leading the seminar would ask them to come on stage and hold hands and be saved. Every time I knew I should have walked up there, but I was too petrified to stand on stage in front of the entire school and too embarrassed to
admit that I was morally, spiritually and religiously behind everybody else.”
“Gradually, I began to resent Christian school and doubt everything I was told...The seeds of who I am now had been planted.”
Manson switched to public school for his last three years.
Manson: “Christian school had prepared me well for public school. It defined the taboos, then held them away at arm’s length, leaving me reaching for them in vain. As soon as I switched schools, it was all there for the taking -- sex, drugs, rock, the occult. I didn’t even have to look for them: They found me.”
Manson says he became entrenched in rock and roll, especially hard rocker heavy metal groups like Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Kiss, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue and Rush.
Manson writes that his father took him to see his first rock concert -- a KISS concert -- in 1979.
Manson: “The fantasy element of much of this (rock) music soon drew me to Dungeons & Dragons.”
“Most of my education took place after class, when I escaped into a fantasy world -- immersed in role-playing games.”
Marilyn Manson was ordained as a Reverend in the Church of Satan, by its founder Anton LaVey.
Manson: “The day I became a Satanist also happened to be the day the allied forces of Christianity and conservativism (sic) began mobilizing against me.”
Manson: “It makes a lot more sense to follow The Satanic Bible, written with twentieth-century humanity in mind, than a book that was written as a companion to a culture long since defunct.”

© Max Singer 2003
Contact: A Scurrilous Rag